Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.