Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
