well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Green mimosas i think yes
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
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Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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