I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
