The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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