Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
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When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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