I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
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Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
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The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now