I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back