i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?