it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
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Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.