i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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