we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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