So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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