I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
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high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We're too hungover to prance.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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