eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
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