somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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