i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
