is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
