Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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