Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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