Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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