Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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