sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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