i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER