yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
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he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence