apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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