U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
