my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
