ya dads aren't the best wingmen
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
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drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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