Banned from zoo.
Again?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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