god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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