you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
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Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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