i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
