So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize