that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So vagazzling was a success
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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