I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
