I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
