No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
