11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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