its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
