my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
