I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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