I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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