I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
