two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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