its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need water and some morals
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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