hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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