Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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