Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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