One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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