Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
