stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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