I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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