i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
